Joanne’s Holy List of Restaurant Conduct

Reservations:

If you are going to be late to your reservation, do call them. It irritates them just as much as it irritates you when your date flakes or guests arrive late to a meal at your place. If you did not call and your table was given to other patrons, do not throw a fit and demand a table right away. They will accommodate to your needs the best they can, but if you give up a reservation because of your irresponsibility, consider yourself part of the waiting list as if you never had a reservation.

If you do have a reservation and still have to wait a few minutes, do not complain. Sure you had a reservation at 6:00, but if there are no free tables, how do you expect to get seated? The restaurants try their best to seat everyone, but there are those patrons who like to take their sweet time or like to chill at the tables 30 minutes after they have paid. I know it’s annoying, but patience is a virtue!

If you have a small child or a child in a stroller, call the restaurant in advance to make sure that there is space to accommodate. Some restaurants barely have enough room for people to walk through, so make sure! If you have a screaming baby, maybe it’s best that you don’t even bring them. When making a reservation, request a table that is not smack dab in the middle of the room. Ask for a booth or table in the far corner of the restaurant or close to the bathroom where you can bring the tyke in case you have a diaper change or if it barfs everywhere. Trust me, it is horrible to be eating a great meal and then smelling your baby’s doo as you make your way to the bathroom on the other side of the restaurant. Not cool.

In the Restaurant

Do not expect to be given bread before your meal. Diners, especially those who are on carbohydrate-free diet plans or have gluten allergies, often leave the bread behind, so to cut cost and waste, some establishments do not offer it. If you do want bread, ask for it, but do not expect it to be comped. And no, not ALL Asian eateries will offer free edamame (soy beans) because not all Asian places are Japanese.

If you like things done a certain way, like you do not like food too spicy or you hate onions, do tell your server. Or if you have any questions about anything on the menu, just ask. It’s better to inquire about anything before you get your food than having to send it back to the kitchen to have it done to your taste. It’s a waste of time, ingredients, and in the end, money. This goes for allergies, most definitely. Please tell your server about any allergies, no matter how minor they may seem to you. An allergy is an allergy and a restaurant would rather avoid medical emergencies than deal with them.

The evening’s “special” does NOT mean “deal” or “discounted.” A restaurant “special” is no way related to a retail “special” at all. Sometimes the price of the daily specials are more expensive than most items on the menu, so if your server does not tell you the price of the special, do ask before you see the bill and notice it is more than you had anticipated. Most of the time, it is restaurant policy to not mention the price of the special. Blame the restaurant, not the server who is doing what they are told to do.

Yes, tuna tartare is raw. Get over it. Yes, sweetbreads are the pancreas of a young farm animal, not always a cake. If there is an item in the menu on your friend’s plate that is not familiar to you, do not squeal “ewww!” and whine to the server, your friends at your table, the people in the next table, or anyone for that matter. A lot of the restaurant these days, especially in big cities, like to mess with molecular gastronomy and unusual ingredients. It’s a trend that won’t be ending anytime soon, so I’m sorry if your taste buds do not tolerate exotic or unfamiliar flavors, but please respect those whose taste buds do.

Be respectful. If you want to be treated well, treat the server well. I hate to sound like your kindergarten teacher, but please say “please” and be sure to say “thank you” when things are brought to you. Your manners should not differ if you dine at Denny’s and Gary Danko. If you really think you are a lady or a gentleman who is worthy of dining at classy establishments, your “pleases” and “thank yous” should already be in your blood. Do not treat your server like: a slave, someone “below” you, a child, a subordinate, etc., etc., etc. I’m Mr. Million-Dollar-Trust-Fund-Baby, but you have to treat your server well, also. Money does not equate to class. Sure you can afford classy things, but it doesn’t mean YOU are. It’s a matter of respect and it goes both ways.

If you are bringing your own bottle of wine or cake, like for a birthday celebration, there might be a BYOB and cake cutting fee. I’m sure most people are familiar with the fees for the former, but more restaurants are charging for the latter. Expect to pay about 2-3 bucks per person if you are bringing your own cake. It really depends on how expensive the restaurant is. Sure it’s one more thing to pay for, but the restaurant wants you to buy their wine and their desserts, so if you are bringing your own, they lose money, and that is why they charge. Don’t throw a fit. It’s a growing trend.

Paying

Please be knowledgeable of the accepted forms of payment. Most of the time, credit card logos are stuck onto the front door, but just verify with the hostess when you get there. If you have to wait for a table anyway, that will give you a couple of minutes to run to the ATM if you need to take out some cash for cash only places. Also keep in mind that not all establishments take all credit cards. MasterCard and VISA are the most common, and sometimes Discover and American Express are not taken because of the cost of running those transactions and the owner does not choose to use those cards. If you have a problem with that, either give up another form of payment or do not dine there in the first place.

Leave a tip! The starting pay for a server is not high at all in a lot of places and most servers rely on their tips. A lot of the time, the tip you leave is split among the other workers. It is a custom, and it is by no means enforced by the law, but goodness, leave something extra for the hard work they have done to make your experience a good one. Just because the cook made your steak a bit too well or if your salad was a bit too overdressed, do not put the blame on the server and lessen THEIR tip. They did not cook your meal. If the server did give you an attitude or blow you off, sure you change the tip, but it is best to also talk to the manager.

If you are using a coupon, gift card, etc., tip the server according to the amount of the bill BEFORE any discounts were taken off. Say your meal was $100, and you have a $75 coupon/certificate, which leaves you $25 to pay. Please for the love of all the gods, DO NOT tip only, say, $5 (20% of $25). Tip them the amount that you would have if you did not have that certificate. Your meal’s price may have been reduced, but your server put out the same energy to get you your meal as if it wasn’t discounted.

If you want to stay at your table longer after paying the bill, inform the server. They lose money for time that is not productive at a table. If you were at a table for an hour and paid, say, a 20% tip, do so for every addition hour you stay after paying the bill. You would have to compensate for the tips they lose. If a new party were to dine at your table every hour, pay for their tip. It’s only fair.

I think the most important thing to do at a restaurant is be respectful to the server, your dining partners, and everyone around you, but most of all, enjoy your meal!

Jo

P.S. Thank you for reading my rant. =P